Helping Children After Divorce

Welcome to the "Helping Children after Divorce" (HCAD) parenting class. The HCAD class is a multimedia Parent Education and Family Stabilization Course designed to educate users about effective strategies for parenting after divorce. The program reviews strategies focused on parent-related challenges (e.g., co-parenting and stress management), as well as parenting strategies to help reduce the effects of divorce on the well-being of your child.

The HCAD program was developed by Dr. Stephen Mayville. Dr. Mayville is a licensed clinical psychologist with training and experience in providing behaviorally-based treatment for adults, children, and families. This unique and comprehensive parenting program offers the learner a convenient choice of video or text-based materials.

In addition to the video and text materials developed to meet four hour court requirements, extra materials are included to help you on your new parenting journey. The HCAD program comes with audio downloads, an eBook on reward systems, and will include a bonus video class on the ins and outs of healthy step-family functioning in the coming months. This bonus course will not increase time to complete court requirements, and a customer who purchases the course now will have access any future materials and improvements to the course free of additional charge.

The program is well suited for individuals in need of fulfilling a court-ordered four hour parenting class. It is quick, convenient, provides an immediate certificate of completion, provides more bonus materials than your typical parenting course, and is very competitively priced. It is a DCF-approved Florida parenting class, yet it is suitable for parent education court requirements nation-wide. The program is also a good fit for anyone in search of comprehensive parent education that addresses the unique challenges of divorce. 

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Dating after Divorce with Kids

Dating after divorce with kids is one of the most common issues for divorced parents as they move forward with their lives. Surprisingly, there is little research into this important facet of post-divorce functioning. Consequently, what we are left with is typically lay interpretation about what is best for the child after divorce.  Nevertheless, what we know about child functioning after divorce, as well as dating behavior gathered from research, can help give us some ideas about what might be best for children when one resumes dating.

Some of the most common questions about dating after divorce include:

How long should I wait before dating after divorce?

When should I introduce my dating partner to my child?

How much should I consider my child’s desires with regard to dating?

In considering this first question there is no solid data to suggest a specific timeframe for dating after divorce. However, one should consider their own ability to healthfully enter into a relationship (e.g., emotional readiness for a relationship), as well as stability of the household.  If one is not in a place where he or she can emotionally contribute to a relationship, or if one has a history of extreme discomfort when outside of a relationship, it may be best to wait before moving forward.  Still, if we look at data on individuals who are divorced, we see that almost 2/3 of children in divorced families will witness their parents dating within one year of their parents filing for divorce.

Parents tend to take three different approaches in how they deal with the issue of exposure of their child to dating partners.  The first approach, a transparent approach, is one where children are aware of the parents dating status from the very start.   Researchers have found that approximately 40% of parents who are dating immediately after divorce use this approach.  Almost half of all parents dating after divorce use a graded approach. This approach involves gradually increasing a child’s exposure to the parent’s partner as the relationship increases in seriousness.  A much smaller minority of parents appear to use an “encapsulated” approach.  This approach conceals the partner from the child until much later in the dating process.

Although research examining the issue of exposure of a parent’s partner to a child has not yet been fully explored, experts generally consider a graded exposure approach to be the most beneficial to child well-being. This allows the child to adjust to any household role changes, as well as allowing for acclimation to a new person in the child’s life.  Compared with a transparent approach, a graded level of exposure may also prevent a parent’s partner from entering into a disciplinary role prior to when it would be advisable.  When a parent’s significant other hastily enters into a disciplinary role, the consequences can be very damaging for the relationship between the child and partner.

With regard to the last question, a new partner can be seen as threatening to children after divorce. It is typical for children to take on larger roles within the household, and to see those roles as threatened by a new relationship with their parent, as well as threatening to a way of life to which they have grown accustomed.  Consequently, it may be useful to provide your child with reassurance that your relationship with him or her won’t significantly change.  It is certainly important to make strong efforts to follow through with this reassurance given that it can be difficult for a parent to allot as much time to the parent-child relationship with the presence of a dating relationship.  Specifically asking your child about his or her fears surrounding involvement with another person maybe useful, as well as emphasizing the importance for your child to communicate with you regarding any concerns or fears he or she may have as a relationship progresses.

How to Helping Children Cope with Divorce

The divorce process affects children differently and depends on a number of different factors. Child reactions vary across age, gender, and personality characteristics.  It is impossible to predict with certainty how a child will respond to divorce. However, we do know that parental behavior plays a very important role in helping children cope with divorce.  The following three factors can assist with the coping process.

Develop a business like attitude in dealing with the other parent

Maybe this title should read “maintain a friendship with the other parent.“ However, that is obviously not always realistic.  Often times there is a lot of anger and hurt involved in a divorce.  You may feel the urge to put blame squarely on the shoulders of the other parent for the divorce.  You may also feel like the last thing you want to do is speak positively about the other parent to your children.  If these feelings exist, it is important to try and adopt a mindset of being in the business of raising your child. This means that all behavior should reflect that value, and should translate in supporting your child or children’s relationship with the other parent (outside of extreme circumstances like child abuse).  In a divorce involving a lot of difficult emotions, it can be next to impossible to be perfect in dealing with the other parent. Nevertheless, getting it right more often than not, can go a long way in ensuring that your child adjusts well to the divorce.

Adjusting expectations for yourself

When one is coping with divorce, it can be difficult (if not next to impossible) to avoid feeling overwhelmed. The job that may have been shared by two is now solely your responsibility when your child is in your home.  The first couple of years can be difficult with adjusting to new routines and the absence of the other parent.   To expect yourself to handle this transition “well,” and to be a model parent, can set you up for additional disappointment.  The “diminished capacity to parent” is a common description for what many parents experience in the immediate aftermath of divorce.  You are dealing with stress, your children are dealing with stress, and the other parent is likely dealing with stress as well.  Taken together, this often times means that there is less consistent discipline, less capacity for positive interactions, and less supervision of your child.  Some parents are able to handle this transition better than others, and divorce does not always mean chaos within the household. Yet giving yourself some slack, and adjusting your expectations within the first two years can help you manage your own stress when going through a divorce.

Be available

Even though the divorce process can seem overwhelming at times, it is important to do what you can to make yourself available to your child. Let him or her understand that they are able to speak with you about their feelings, and that they are allowed to express positive feelings for the other parent.  Agreeing with your child and validating them can be two different things. Try not to tell them how they should feel, and respond with empathy toward their situation.   You may not agree with their point of view, but you can show that you understand and that you care for their opinion.  There is research that suggests child adjustment following divorce can be assisted by being present and available in a nonjudgmental way for your child.

It really does seem as though time slows down when we experience the emotional pain. Try to keep in mind that you and your child will cope and endure the divorce process. Both your and your child will experience a reality much different than what you have in front of you right now.  Do what you can to focus on your time together with your child.  Spending quality time during this process can be a great stress release for both adult and child.  Being “present” during interactions with your child can provide some relief from difficult thoughts and emotions.

How Divorce Affects Your Children

How a divorce affects children is one of the main concerns of parents considering or going through with a divorce.   Parents often worry that they will damage their children and negatively affect their children’s functioning.  Will a divorce really cause negative consequences?   The answer to this question is complicated, and depends on different factors.  Some of these factors are under the control of parents, while other factors are not.  So lets take a look at how divorce affects children, and the factors that make adjustment to divorce more or less likely to happen.

Some distress in children going through a divorce is normal and can be expected.  Children tend to handle divorce in many different ways, and child reactions vary greatly according to a number of different factors.  Researchers have looked into different risk factors for problems with child adjustment to divorce.  They have found that child factors (i.e., a child’s personality such as easy going or irritable), social factors (e.g., community support, the number of stressful life events), and family factors all relate to a child’s level of adjustment following a divorce.  Of all of these factors, a parent will usually have the most control over family factors.  These factors include the relationship between the parents, individual parent adjustment to divorce, and parenting practices.

For younger children, the consequences of divorce may appear in different ways.  Children can have a range of responses such as symptoms of depression and anxiety.  Depression can manifest through sadness, and loss of interest in things a child used to enjoy.  Also, changes in sleep and food intake can be signs of depression.  Among younger children, physical symptoms of distress such as stomachaches may also occur.    Anxiety may be seen as an increase in clinging behavior and lack of self-confidence.

Aside from an increase in symptoms of depression and anxiety, children of divorce also tend to be more aggressive and have more behavior problems when compared to peers who come from intact families.  Children from divorced parents also tend to have more difficulties with relationships in general.  The findings of an increase in aggression tend to be more so for boys than for girls.  As a whole, children of divorce also tend to be more vulnerable to drug, alcohol, and cigarette use compared to same age peers not from divorced families.

It is common for symptoms of distress to occur at different times through the divorce process.  One of the most common things that parents see is an increase in distress across transitions between homes.   It can take children time to adjust to living across both homes.  A child may protest leaving each household, and be upset when adjusting to each new transition.  The adjustment typically takes longer if both parents have trouble getting along.  For those parents that don’t get along, the protests that a child has about leaving each parent’s home, is often mistakenly used as grounds for the child living in one home.  Even though transitions are difficult, joint physical custody arrangements are usually in the child’s best interests.

Overall, academic performance also tends to be lower among children of divorce. It is thought that the differences between children from families of divorce versus intact families come from lack of supervision (leading to less homework completion and worse school attendance), and a parent’s decreased confidence in child achievement.  One large study found that the level of family conflict was related to negative academic outcomes.  Another factor that can protect academic achievement is the continued involvement of the father.

Even though there are characteristics about a child that are not controllable, and influence a child’s ability to cope with a divorce, a parent can make a positive impact on a child’s adjustment.  Increasing one on one time with a child, maintaining positive expectations for a child’s educational achievement, increasing consistency with child discipline (not necessarily increasing discipline, just following through on discipline when needed), increasing parental supervision, and not engaging in open conflict with the other parent are all behaviors that can help minimize the ways in which divorce affects children.

Florida Divorce Procedure and Law

Are you are considering a divorce in the state of Florida?, it is important to understand relevant law and procedure.   Although there are a lot of commonalities between states, each state is still unique and has specific laws and procedures that need to be understood.  

The divorce procedures may vary significantly, and depend upon various factors involved in your case. This may include whether or not your spouse is collaborating with you on the divorce, and the nature of assets involved.  Procedure can also be very different when an individual files for divorce with minor children. Understanding law and procedure is important regardless of factors specific to your case.

Regardless of the factors involved in your divorce, it is important to seek out the services of an experienced attorney, and to learn more about the path ahead of you.  A good resource for legal information is Floridadivorce.com.  It has information related to the basics and specifics of divorce.  The site also provides an outlet for obtaining answers to legal questions specific to your case.